A Friendly Deception
by Raegan Marie
Summary: Post-Breaking Dawn, if there had been a battle. Esme struggles to get her life back together after Carlisle and Alice are killed by the Volturi. When Garrett comes back to help, will something spark between them, and will Esme let herself love again?
1. Introduction

**This is an idea I've been kicking around for a while, writing a fic in Esme's perspective, with a not-so-usual pairing later on. This is really just an introduction to see if people are interested in hearing more.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all, including my heart on ice in a cooler.**

I was devastated. Completely and utterly devastated. How could I not be? I had lost my mate. The one I was to be with for the rest of eternity. When you're a vampire, you never really prepare yourself for the death of your mate. You're pretty much invincible, and nothing can harm you, and you're together forever. But the fight between my family and the Volturi changed everything. The weeks leading up to it I tried my hardest to prepare, but I couldn't help but feel that we would override them. I was so wrong. We had won the battle, yes, but the casualties were absolutely devastating. That fateful night I lost part of my family, and several friends. Kate was gone, as were Benjamin and Zafrina. I lost a daughter and I lost my husband, my soul mate. It was the most depressing and overwhelming moment of my entire existence, and I felt so completely and utterly…empty. What was the point of living with nothing to live for anymore? Alice and Carlisle were gone, and I was left alone. Not entirely alone, for I had the rest of my children, but it wasn't the same. It never would be. Once or twice I thought about going back to the horrid Volturi and begging for death, but thoughts of Carlisle stopped me. He wouldn't want me to do this, not in a million years, and so I didn't. I knew I had to stay alive for my remaining family, and continue guiding them in all they needed. All I had to do was keep it together for the rest of eternity. And I could do that…right?

**Please please please let me know what you think! If you'd like to read more, review so I can get writing!**

**I'd like to take a second and plug my story for Harry Potter called "S.P.E.W. Is For Lovers." If you're a fan of HP, then please check it out on my page and review! **


	2. Pain

**Stephenie Meyer owns everything, including my heart on ice in a cooler.**

Pain will do a lot of things to you. Whether it's physical or emotional, it_ changes_ you. It damages everything you have, internally and externally. You feel nothing and everything, you feel like your insides are being ripped through your nose. At least, that's how it feels for me. Losing my mate has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It's so ridiculously difficult to describe, that you can only understand it if you've been through it. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Except maybe the Volturi…

I was a pretty pathetic sight. I laid across the couch, with one of Carlisle's shirts in hand, just taking in the scent that is still so potent, still so there. I breathed it in deeply and was brought back to right before the fight. Carlisle squeezed my hand, and his golden gems stared into mine, with such an intense love, that if I could cry, I would have.

Again, I was a pathetic sight. I couldn't help it though. Most of my days were spent like this, and since I couldn't sleep, it was a full 24 hours, seven days a week mourning over the loss of my husband. It didn't stop. It _wouldn't _stop. I went through the motions of crying, without actually spilling the tears, for hours. My children kept telling me to get up and do something, and stop moping around, but they couldn't know. Only Jasper understood, and he was the only one not pushing me to behave like everything was okay. Losing Alice, I'm sure he felt the same. But we rarely saw him anymore. He would stay in his room all day, or go hunting by himself for weeks at a time. Edward tried not to intrude on his thoughts, feeling it was a violation of his privacy and his grieving.

I started the washing machine that was bought for appearances, and started doing laundry for no one. This made me even more upset. I was upset because I would never have to wash Carlisle's clothes again, although it was completely unnecessary. And I was upset for myself for allowing my thoughts to get this terrible. I gripped the machine tightly and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the pain. But of course it didn't work, and I only ended up breaking two chunks of the washer off with my bare hands. I threw them down and sunk to the floor when I heard someone come in.

I turned to see who it was: Renesmee. That beauteous miracle, that wonderful spark in our lives that brought joy to my heart the day she came into this world. I loved her with all my heart, as if she was my own child, as if I had given birth to her.

She walked up to me with concern in her eyes, and placed her hand on my arm, showing me images of myself mourning and grieving. She was confused and upset, I could tell. She was asking me why I was so sad, not understanding why I hadn't gotten over it in the months since that fateful day. She was worried about me, about my health and about my patterns of slumping around the house.

"I miss Carlisle," I said to her, not knowing how to convey such a powerful emotion to such a small child.

She touched my arm again, this time with flashbacks and pictures of my love, in the weeks before the battle, when she had known Carlisle.

I could feel a swelling in my throat, and I hung my head down, unable to look at his perfect face knowing that it would never be by my side ever again. I tried to speak, but my voice just came out as a moan of loss.

"I love him," was all I managed to breathe out, not sure whether I was still speaking to Renesmee, or if I was just talking to myself again. I heard two more people whisk their way into the laundry room, and one of them picked up Renesmee.

"Let's go see Jacob, huh?" Bella crooned to her only child as she left the room. How wonderful it must be to have a baby _and _a husband, a mate, still alive. To have a complete family…

Edward stayed. He was worried about me and wanted to talk. I don't know why he was so persistent; he knew exactly what I was thinking at all times, and it had to get awful after a while. All I thought about was Carlisle. And the pain, always the pain.

Unusually uncomfortable and fidgety, Edward shifted his weight between his feet, unsure of what to say.

"Esme…" he started.

I did not reply. What was I supposed to say? That I'm trying to get through this? Because that would be a blatant lie, and Edward would know it right away. So I just sat there on the floor, thinking of my lost love, and of the emotional and physical turmoil I was going through.

"Esme, I hate to see you so depressed. Not just looking at you, but in your thoughts as well. It frightens me."

I couldn't speak. So I just answered him in my thoughts.

_I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to make you feel depressed. I know it must be hard on you, hearing all my miserable thoughts all the time. But I just can't help it. I…_

He stooped to my level and forced his gaze upon me.

"Don't apologize. There's no need. I worry about your health, your well-being, that's all."

_Don't. You have your own responsibilities. I'll handle myself._

"Esme, you're my mother, I've always seen you that way. Please let me take care of you, help you to regain normalcy."

_Nothing will ever be normal again. He's gone and I'm not. I'm forced to be without him for all eternity. I should just go to the Volturi…_

"NO!" Edward yelled in his smoothest velvet voice. "Don't you think on it one minute. No one wants to lose you, and think of Carlisle! Carlisle wouldn't want -"

"Well Carlisle isn't here, is he?!" My voice finally came back, and suddenly I was on my feet, yelling at Edward. It wasn't my fault, but my emotions of sadness and depression and hurt and everything else had built up over these months, and I hadn't been able to be fully angry at the situation. Why _me_? Why _him_? Why did everyone else in the world get to live happily ever after with the loves of their lives while I sat here moping and whining and crying and being completely torn apart by the abyss of misery inside me?

I felt Edward pull me close in a warm embrace, trying to comfort me, clearly hearing my enraged thoughts. He patted my unkempt hair and placed a kiss on the top of my head.

"I'm sorry," he whispered over and over into my hair. Then he let me go, and, knowing that I wanted to be left alone, proceeded to leave the room.

I stood in the middle of the room, shaking a little bit from my outburst a few moments earlier. My anger started to cool down a bit as I found myself walking, in a comatose-like state at human pace, up to my bedroom. I walked in and closed the door and went over to sit on the edge of my bed. I looked around. Everything in this room reminded me of him. Like the time we went shopping for our new bed spread because we had completely destroyed the other one…or when he bought me the most beautiful amber necklace for one of our many anniversaries. Not to mention our several wedding pictures scattered around the room. I didn't want to leave him behind, I couldn't leave him behind. I didn't want to put him in a drawer and forget. I loved him too much for that.

I fell back onto my bed and closed my eyes. It's times like these when I wish I could sleep…just to take the edge off. Though I doubt I could be calm enough to actually fall asleep. I just lied there with my eyes closed, and my mind started to drift…

I was standing in a clearing of a forest. I recognized it as the spot where we fought the Volturi. The memory that I was accessing took place right before the fight. I could smell the forest, hear all the sounds, see everything. It smelled like the morning after a fresh rain, there was a loud silence, with the exception of a few deer running through the trees, and everything was so _green._ There was life everywhere. Including the life that I held most dear, standing two feet in front of me. Carlisle. We had gotten to the spot earlier than everyone else in order to have a moment alone. We were both very aware of what the outcome of the encounter could be, though I don't think either of us were prepared to go on living without the other.

We stood there, exchanging glances, walking closer to each other. He took my hand and laced his fingers through mine. He brought his other hand to my face and swept a lone curl away from my eyes and tucked it neatly behind my ear. His hand lingered for a moment and cupped my cheek. A warm smile spread across his face, conveying his love for me in just a few movements of the muscles in his face.

"Esme," he said, "I love you. Probably more than I can ever show you."

"I know you do," I replied, "I love you too."

"I…I don't think I could go on without you. If anything happens -"

"Shhh." I put my finger to his lips, entranced in his intense gaze, his eyes a light butterscotch. I brought my finger and traced the outline of his mouth, and he kissed the tip of my finger lovingly. I wrapped my arms around his middle until we were so close, the anticipation almost hurt. I loved the feeling of closeness we always had, and it hurt me so much to know that this could be the end. His hand still cupped on my cheek, he brought my face closer to his, and placed a sweet, little kiss on my lips, and stared back into my eyes. The memory nearly brought me to tears that could never exist.

I pulled him closer to me, and brought my mouth to his in a more passionate kiss than could ever be imagined. It was filled with such need, and fear, and it scared me a little. But it was the most beautiful thing, having his mouth on mine, expressing our love for each other. Our tongues performed a dance of unity between the two of us. We were meant to be together, forever and always. Not in the sense that the humans were together for, but actual eternity. We belonged with each other in every sense of the word, and the fear of loss took over our bodies as he laid me down in the grass and hovered over me, never breaking the kiss.

He pulled from the kiss and stared at me intently. His eyes conveyed a beauty and longing I don't think I'd ever seen before. He caressed my face and worked his hand down my slender curves ever so tenderly. His hand tugged at the hem of my shirt, begging for its removal, and I obliged. I took my hands off him for a split second to remove my clothing, lying in the grass in only my undergarments. His shirt was already off and he bent down to kiss and nuzzle at my neck, his nose brushing the sensitive spot behind my ear. I smiled and removed his pants, which were so annoyingly in the way of ultimate closeness.

Carlisle began to kiss me with more force, more need, as his tongue traced the seam of my mouth lightly, asking for permission to enter. A moan escaped my mouth and he took the opportunity to once again caress my tongue with his own. I traced my hands lightly up and down his torso, feeling the muscles tense with each movement, as he rubbed circles with his fingers around my hipbones. It was a beautiful, passionate, and needful moment. A moment in which we were ready to accept this as our last love making, and desperate for the feeling of our bodies entwined. He rocked his body against mine, and I titled my head back, my eyes half-lidded with pleasure, as his fingers traced the top of my underwear, and pulled them off in one, swift move. At the same time, I was pulling his boxers off, and I could feel the anticipation build and build in my throat.

His lips crashed to mine with all the need and passion that I could ever want in an eternity, his mouth becoming more urgent as he traced down my neck, to my collarbone, and over the soft mounds on my chest. The bra constricting me was off in less than a second, and I saw it ripped ten feet away, and I chuckled at his urgency. His mouth continued its way to my stomach, placing light, fluttering kisses on it, as butterflies flew around in my stomach, and I felt my burning desire for him. I wrapped myself around his body tightly, nibbling on his neck, as I felt him enter me in one, swift motion.

"Carlisle," I let out in a breathy moan. My eyes flew open, then slowly shut again. We rocked back and forth in unison, like to halves of the same whole, like two puzzle pieces destined to fit together forever.

I squeezed him more tightly to me, and he kissed me passionately again, continuing the rocking motion, as the burning in my abdomen became more prominent. Our breaths became more erratic as he picked up the pace of his thrusts, and the sounds of our moans and hips hitting together echoed throughout the forest.

"Esme, I love you," Carlisle was able to breathe before he reached his peak, sending me over the edge with him. Stars danced before my eyes as we came together. We were one.

He laid down next to me and held me in his arms, and he absentmindedly traced his fingers along my arm. The moment had been so perfect, so right, and I was glad to have this in my memory as one of my strongest before the fight. I would have something to hold onto if anything should happen. Carlisle kissed the top of my head, and we laid there together, enjoying each other's company and each other's love.

"Esme! Esme!" I heard my name being yelled, but I also heard the distant screaming of a woman. She sounded like she was in pain, I needed to help her. My eyes opened and there was Bella with terror written all over her face. Then I realized the screaming woman was me. I was lying on the floor, my arms and legs thrashing around at the pain of the memory. The flashback was so beautiful that it sent me into a mass hysteria of screams and sobs. I felt the tearing in my heart, like someone was clawing at the still organ, desperate to make me even more dead than I already was. A sharp pain like a knife pierced my gut, and I began to scream even more. The pain of the memory was so intense. My last moment with Carlisle kept replaying in my head and the pain just kept getting worse and worse. I wanted it to stop so badly, but it wouldn't. Nothing Bella was saying could soothe the ache in the very core of my existence.

"Please, Esme! I'm here. It's okay."

Nothing was okay. Nothing would ever be okay. Carlisle was gone and that was it. And I couldn't go on living without him. All I wanted was for death to overtake me, once and for all, so I wouldn't have to go on living without him for a second longer.

**I really appreciate reviews, and I hope you guys liked the first angst-filled chapter of this fic. There's plenty more where that came from.**

**Plug time! If you're a fan of Harry Potter, check out my story "SPEW Is For Lovers," and review. Thank you =)**


	3. Worried

**I'd like to thank the ONE PERSON that reviewed this story, AlexandraCullen1901, for doing so. You rock my flippy floppies off, and I hope you keep reading and reviewing, even though this fic is filled with angst. Maybe I'll write some fluff, just for you! Thank you so much.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns everything, including my heart on ice in a cooler.**

"Esme, calm down! Please," I heard Bella beg.

My screams pierced through the room, and I was aware of my body still thrashing around on the floor. I wasn't sure how long I'd been like this, and I didn't care. Time didn't matter anymore. Nothing did.

"Please. Please," Bella continued as she started to smooth my hair down. It was a calming motion, her hand stroking the top of my head. I felt like a child again, like when my mother used to calm me down after a nightmare. I slowly stopped my fit, soothed by my daughter-in-law's motions.

After I felt fully certain I wouldn't go completely mad again, I sat up to face Bella. Her beautiful face showed signs of fear. The lines of her face were traced with worry, and I felt horrible about being the source of that. I pulled my knees to my chest like a pained teenager and looked at my feet. I didn't have anything to say.

"Are you alright? For right now, I mean," Bella asked.

"Yeah," I managed to whisper.

"Esme," she started, "I know I have no idea what you're going through, but you remind me of me when Edward left."

"It's not the same," I mumbled.

"No, it's not. But I behaved the same way you did. Moping around the house, completely depressed. The only thing is that I wouldn't let myself think about him. I truly believed he didn't want me anymore, and just the mere thought of him would make me fall to the ground in awful physical pain."

I looked up at her. She was trying so hard to get through to me, but it just wouldn't work. Only Jasper understood, and he was never here.

"Esme, if you ever want to talk, you know I'm always here. I can sort of relate to your pain."

I had never been angry with Bella since she came into our lives, but at the moment I was becoming a little upset. She was trying to relate to me, but she never could. And it bothered me that she thought she could ever feel the same. What the hell did she know?

"Esme?"

"You have no idea, Bella."

"I know, but -"

I lost it.

"If you knew, then you would stop pulling this 'I know what you're going through' crap. Because you don't. You _can't._ I don't care if you went into complete zombie mode when Edward left. He still existed. You could still go on because even though you thought he didn't love you, you could live just knowing that he was out there, somewhere. He still lived, and therefore you did, too. But Carlisle doesn't exist, and what am I supposed to do? I don't know how to be without him!"

I knew I should have felt bad for snapping at Bella like that, but I couldn't stop myself. I was just so _angry_. I was mad at the world, I was mad at myself, I was mad at the trees, I was mad at the sky, I was mad at the coffee pot in the kitchen. Everything mocked me.

"I'm sorry, Esme. I just want to help."

"Well don't," I snapped with a little too much malice.

"I don't know what to do. None of us want to see you like this. Please let us help you. Please."

"And how do you expect to help? How? You can't bring Carlisle back, you know. And that's the only thing that could fix me."

"You could start by talking to us. You keep us in the dark and all we want is too help you get out of this terrible rut."

I snorted.

"Rut? My husband was murdered, Bella. Killed in front of my own eyes. The person I lived for, that completed my existence, is gone. You still have yours, plus more. You have a birth child, something that Rosalie and I have only ever dreamed of. You have it all, Bella. Me? Nothing."

"You have us."

"Jesus, Bella, I lost my mate. I don't want to live anymore. All I want is for death. It's what's supposed to happen, and now I'm stuck like this."

"Don't talk like that. We all love you. I don't know what I'd do without you. Please don't think like that."

"Death would be so perfect. Peaceful. This pain would stop."

"That's it. I can't take it. I'm calling Jasper."

**BPOV**

I stood there, watching the strongest woman I've ever known slowly crumble to pieces, talking of death and suicide and giving up. I couldn't believe it. She needed to stop.

I got my cell phone out and quickly dialed Jasper's number, hoping he would answer wherever he was.

"Don't bother him. He probably won't answer, anyway," said Esme.

"I need to. He can help you."She just shook her head and continued to stare into space, into some unknown world that no one would ever understand.

Except Jasper.

It went to voicemail, which angered me. Why wasn't he ever available? I dialed again, really pissed. He picked up after three rings, clearly annoyed.

"What do you want?" he snapped in his Southern drawl.

"Jasper, you need to come home. Esme is getting worse. She's talking about dying, and having nothing to live for, and I'm really scared. I'm scared she's going to do something rash. I'm afraid…Jasper, I'm afraid she's gonna go to the Volturi."

"I feel her pain. I know what it's like."

I couldn't believe what the hell was coming out of his mouth!

"Jasper, how dare you! Your mother is in serious pain, and that's all you can say? That you can relate? God damnit you drive me crazy."

"Just let her mourn. There's nothing you can do for her."

"Jasper Whitlock Hale, you better bite your tongue." I paused. "Where are you?"

"What does it matter?"

"I want to show you something."

"Esme is never going to agree to going out of the house, so don't waste your time."

"I'm not bringing Esme."

"Then what?"

"Just tell me where you are." I was getting impatient.

"Mount McKinley."

"What the hell are you doing there?"

"I like to be alone, god damnit."

"Have you visited Tanya's family?"

"No. Like I said, I want to be _alone._"

"Nice try. I'm still coming up there. Expect me."

"Fine." And he hung up.

I put the phone in my pocket and went to the cottage to get Edward.

"Love?" I heard from the bedroom.

I entered the room and saw my Adonis sitting on the edge of the bed, his face etched with worry. No matter what emotion was splashed across his face, he could always look ten times lovelier than any angel.

I sat down next to him and laced my fingers with his.

"I'm going to see Jasper."

"He told you where he is? How the hell did you manage that?"I half-grinned. "Persuasion skills. Anyway, I was wondering if you could…watch Esme while I'm gone? I know, it's terrible, her needing to be watched, but I'm afraid for her, Edward. I really am."

"I know, love, so am I."

I stared into his butterscotch eyes, locking his gaze with mine.

"I'm bringing Renesmee. I think she's the only one who can really get through to Jasper, so he knows how bad Esme is."

"If you think it's best."

"I do."

"And you're always right." He smiled and kissed my cheek lightly.

Renesmee tottered into the room and smiled. God, that girl could make me happy any day of the week, no matter what was going on.

"Renesmee, would you like to come with me to visit Jasper? It's a long way, but I need you to show him how sad Esme is. Can you do that?"

Her smile grew wider and she nodded her head wildly. She was so adorable. She still didn't like to speak much, which didn't bother me, but we would still have to work on that.

"Okay, then. Come on."

I said goodbye to Edward with a long, passionate kiss, and Renesmee rolled her eyes. I laughed at her reaction as we went outside to depart.

I held Renesmee close to my chest while making sure I knew where I was going. When I figured out the right direction, we sped off, and I was running as fast as I could. The wind was going hundreds of miles an hour. I would never tire of the feeling, of being so powerful and so agile, so much more than I had been as a human. The wind whipped at our faces and Renesmee laughed at the feeling.

We arrived at Mount McKinley and ran up it with ease, glad that the overzealous tourists had decided to stay home for the day. I don't think seeing me run up the mountain at superhuman speed would go over quite well.

I could smell Jasper, so it didn't take long to find him. He was sitting at a plateau, just sitting. Looking out into the sky. What went on in that man's head, I would never know.

He looked at me, and greeted me with a distant 'hello.'

"I see you brought Nessie."

I seethed at the nickname. He knew I hated it.

"She wants to show you something."

Renesmee walked over to Jasper, and placed her hand on his arm. I knew what she was doing, and I watched as Jasper's face went through so many emotions so quickly. It was shock, pain, hurt, sadness, guilt, love. I knew my plan had worked as soon as he stood up.

"I can't believe this…it's really that bad," he said, the shocked expression still on his face.

"You're not a ball of sunshine yourself," I joked.

"Still…she's my mother. I can't let her go through this herself. Let's go."

**Esme POV**

I was lying on the bed again. My eyes were wide open, counting the bumps on the ceiling, the way I spent most of my nights. I could hear Edward outside my door. Keeping watch. It was ridiculous. As if I could ever escape with all the watchdogs around. Ridiculous.

I couldn't believe Bella had gone to get Jasper. What did she expect, an intervention? At any rate, I didn't think he would come. He was hurting too much to bother with any of my problems.

My dead heartstrings tugged a bit as I remembered a conversation with Carlisle a few years ago.

"_Esme," he said to me._

"_Yes, my love?"_

"_I love you."_

_I chuckled at his statement. We had said it so many times before but I never tired of hearing it. He was so cute right now, just randomly saying those words. It was one of the reasons I adored him._

"_I know," I replied._

"'_I know'? Is that all you have to say?" He joked._

"_Oh, yeah. I love you too," I played back._

_Suddenly his gaze became very intense and serious._

"_Forever," he breathed. And I believed him._

I became conscious of my current state, which was in the fetal position, going through the motions of crying. Someone was at my side, and for a fleeting instant I thought Carlisle had returned, that these past few months had been just a dream. But it was too good to be true. I turned to see who it was, and I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Jasper?""Esme, we need to talk."

**Jasper and Esme's heart to heart will be next chapter. I'm really excited about having them pouring their souls out to each other. It will be quite an experience to write.**

**As always, review please!**


	4. A Passing Feeling

**Thanks for reviewing, Jazz. I dedicate this chapter to you!**

**I've decided to name the titles of the chapters, from this point on, after songs I'm listening to at the time the chapter is being written. I like when authors do that, plus I'm awful at titling things.**

**"A Passing Feeling" by Elliott Smith is the song for today.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns everything, including my heart on ice in a cooler.**

"Jasper?" I repeated, floored by the mere fact that he was standing in front of me. My son was home.

I couldn't remember the last time I saw him. He'd come and go the past…oh gosh, I didn't even know how much time had passed. I didn't even know what month it was. Being completely immersed in loss, I had failed to pay attention to the daily events of living, and, even worse, let time control me.

However long ago it was, I remember the occurrence clearly. Jasper left in a rage of fury and hurt. And I, being so selfish, didn't even stop him. I didn't bat an eyelash when the door slammed. Everything was 'Carlisle this' and 'Carlisle that' and 'I'm so sad.' In my self-centered state, I had failed as a mother. I had failed to help my child.

I flung myself off the floor and embraced my son. I'm almost positive if he was human, I would have crushed his entire body to dust in that one simple, loving gesture.

"Jasper, I'm so sorry," I breathed into his neck, still clinging on for dear life.

"Esme, don't apologize," he pleaded.

I pulled away and looked at Jasper. If vampires could look tired, Jasper would be the poster child for exhaustion. I noticed the creases in his forehead looked distressed, worried, hurt, angry. His mouth was turned down into a subtle frown, something that wouldn't be noticed through the blurry eyes of a human. His blonde hair looked like a mess of straw on top of his head, and I reached a hand out to push back a lock of hair that had fallen in front of eyes. I tried to give him a smile, something to comfort whatever distress that had befallen him, but I couldn't. I didn't remember how. I tried, but it was painful.

I sank back down to the floor again, wallowing in my own self-pity, ashamed. I hated my children to see me this way.

Jasper sat down next to me and rubbed my back. The motions were calming and soothing.

"Please, Esme. Talk to me," he begged.

"What am I supposed to say?" I gasped.

"Anything. Everything. I understand your pain. I feel it, too. I sit around crying, depressed, angry, numb, bitter. All the time, Esme."

Jasper's emotional pain came like a blow to the stomach. It would have knocked the wind out of me if there was any. I wanted him to tell me more. I figured if I told him a bit, he'd give me more of what I wanted.

"I feel the same. Some days I don't even move. Other days I walk around the house like a zombie. But all the time he's on my mind. I can't make it go away, and I don't think I want it to," I confessed. My chest loosened, however slightly, but it felt incredible. Sharing and telling and letting it all out was like nothing I had felt in the months, or it could have been years for all I knew, since The Day. I didn't know what else to call it, and I couldn't say that Carlisle had…well, you know. So I titled it simply, 'The Day.'

But Jasper didn't look like he was feeling up to sharing. I could tell he was holding back, and it's times like these I wish I could read minds like Edward. Why wouldn't he talk to me? Was I as equally frustrating?

"Jasper, what's wrong? I talked, now it's your turn."

He took a deep breath.

"I'm having some…problems. Issues. I don't know what you want to call them. But I feel like…what's the point of living without her anymore? I don't see one."

"That's how I feel all the time."

"I guess you could call it an existential crisis? I'm not sure. She was so good. Good to the very core of her being, and I couldn't understand why she would have me as her mate. I was a monster before I met her. She brought me to her level and to you all, and I never deserved it. But now with her gone, what's the point of being good anymore? She was the only thing that ever tied me down to this vegetarian lifestyle. She brought me here, and she's gone, so what's keeping me here? Why do I do this? I don't understand anything anymore."

Jasper was crying now. Gasping for unnecessary air. I knew, because I had been there before. I lived it.

I took him in my arms and rocked him like a child. I tried to comfort him as best I could without words. Because I didn't know anything I could say to make him feel better. There wasn't anything, really. So I sat there and rocked him back and forth. I felt a weight on my shoulders that had nothing to do with Carlisle. It was Jasper's weight. And Alice's weight. I started to mourn Alice for the first time since The Day. I had been so preoccupied with Carlisle that I had forgotten the precious child I had lost. These new weights weren't burdens, like Carlisle's. I felt pain, but I wasn't more sad. I was happy that I could share my pain and relate to someone, finally. I was glad that Jasper could talk to me and only me. I was ecstatic that by helping him, I could also help myself. And by helping myself, I could help him.

He finally pulled away from me and sat back on his heels. He looked a little better. Talking will do that to a person.

"I don't want to burden you," he began, but I stopped him.

"No. It's not a burden at all. You, my child, need my help. And I can give it to you. We can help each other, Jasper. So don't worry about making this hard for me. It's not."

"Talk," he stated simply.

I knew what he wanted. And I would oblige. If the healing process was ever to work, I would have to swallow my demons and let my soul out.

"First off, what month is it?"

"May," he said, "Esme, have you lost track of time that seriously?"

"May," I breathed. Five months since The Day. How could I have missed five whole months?

"Esme? Are you alright?" Jasper shook me out of my contemplation.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Are you sure you want to talk?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

I paused for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts, trying to form coherent sentences that could possibly make sense to someone outside of my mind.

"I spend my days begging for death. Most days I think about leaving this place, this dreaded, green, wet, place, and going to Italy. I think about getting down on my knees and pleading with the Volturi to just kill me. It's selfish, I know, but all I want is for the pain to stop. Why won't it, huh? It's May and I didn't even know it, Jasper. I had no clue that time had even gone by. It's become completely irrelevant and nonexistent! The only thing I have now are my memories. Memories of Carlisle, of all of us, happy. I get flashbacks of times Carlisle and I spent together. That's 85 years of memories, Jasper. We were together for so long, and it never occurred to me that he might ever leave. But he did. Not intentionally, of course. But still. He's gone and I'll never have him back!"

I was back to the standard position; legs curled up, arms wrapped around my knees, face down, rocking back and forth into a fit of hysteria. I was tired. I was tired of feeling like this. Tired of having no one in this world.

Jasper rubbed my back again, and it took a while, but finally I calmed down. I sat back up, ashamed at my outburst, and looked into Jasper's coal black eyes. He traced smooth circles on the back of my hand with his thumb, and calmed me down with his ability. I felt instantly better, but I knew that I wasn't.

"We can get through this. I can help you, and you can help me," he said.

And we started to. For hours we spoke about our issues, and we reminisced the old, happy, family memories. Anything and everything that was on our minds, we said it. No one could understand how _good _it felt. It was like a wave of calm, that had nothing to do with Jasper's ability, had rushed over me. I wasn't fixed. No, certainly not. But I was slowly repairing. It felt good.

I looked at the clock in my room and saw it was 3:14 A.M. I figured I was okay now, and we had been up here long enough that it was time to go downstairs.

We walked down the stairs and into the living room. Emmett was playing video games, shouting obscenities, at which I scolded him for, and Rosalie and Bella were playing with Renesmee. It was the first time in months that I had seen what a family we still really were. We wouldn't be whole again, but we were still a family. Edward appeared at my side, looking slightly bewildered, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Someone's at the door. I can hear their thoughts."

**Muahaha! Who's at the door? Review the chapter and tell me your thoughts and theories!**

**Sorry it's such a short chapter, but it sorta just came to me that way.**


	5. Eyes On Fire

**Sorry it's so short =\ I'm a terrible author, I know!**

**The song for the day is "Eyes On Fire" by Blue Foundation.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns everything, including my heart on ice in a cooler.**

"What?" I asked. Who would be knocking on our door? Charlie normally called, and we'd be able to smell if it was a werewolf. Someone, a vampire, had come to visit.

"I can't tell who it is, their thoughts are pretty generic. Wondering about feeding and whoever this is keeps thinking 'I hope this goes well,'" said Edward.

In these situations, Carlisle would be the one to answer the door and greet the guest with kindness, no matter who they might be. The thought of something Carlisle would never do again caused a pain deep in my gut, and I doubled over in agony. Jasper rushed over to my side and held me close.

"Are you okay?" he questioned in his Southern drawl.

I nodded my head, lying, but not wanting to worry anyone, and anxious to see who was at the door.

Edward took charge and approached the door. He opened it, and we were all surprised to see who was standing on the other side.

"Garrett," said Edward, "Nice to see you. Come in." He had all the charm that Carlisle possessed. It was uncanny how much Edward had just sounded like him in those few words. Uncanny, and scary. Again there was a pain, but I ignored it this time.

"Hello, Garrett," I said.

"Esme, you look wonderful. How are you?" he asked innocently, but I knew he was referring to how I was dealing with Carlisle.

"Fine," was the response I gave, but I was far from it.

"And you?" I asked. Garrett lost Kate in the battle, and I knew he must be feeling the same as Jasper and me.

"The same as you," he said, and my thoughts were confirmed.

Emmett, Rosalie, Bella, and Renesmee were standing now, and greeting him one by one. Edward might be the mind reader, but I knew we were thinking the same thing: What is he doing here? He was a friend of Carlisle's, and I wasn't going to be rude, but it was…out of the blue. I couldn't think of any reason for him to come here, and was all the more eager to hear of his reasons.

"Would you like to sit down?" I asked, being the good hostess for the first time in months.

"Thank you," he stated simply, and walked over to the couch and sat. The rest of my family followed suit and stood and sat in various areas around Garrett, waiting.

"How have you all been since…since I last saw you?" asked Garrett.

"Okay. We've been coping," I said, my hostess instincts kicking in again.

"Good, good. Carlisle was one of my very best friends. I want to make sure that his family is alright."

I winced at the name, and I hoped no one noticed. We sat there for a while, nodding, looking around, being awfully fidgety for a group of vampires. We all wanted to know the same thing from Garrett, yet none of us were sure of how to bring it up.

None of us, except Edward.

"So, what brings you here? What have you been up to?" There was an edge to his voice, and I could only guess that it was either because Garrett's thoughts were guarded, or there was nothing particularly revealing in them. I knew this irritated Edward, and I could tell he was getting impatient.

"I've been mostly roaming around like I did before I met Kate. I'm trying to keep up with this vegetarianism, but it's hard when you don't have someone to help you along, especially since I've only been doing this half a year. During this time of being a nomad again, I started to think about life, and what it all meant for us, being what we are. Kate was the reason for my entire existence, and she was taken away from me so quickly. I decided to come here and ask for your help, your guidance. I was wondering if you…if you would take me in, and re-teach me the lifestyle again. Maybe help me get back on my feet, so to speak?"

Everyone was in awe. I was definitely not expecting this, and yet I was so intrigued. He was talking about Kate so easily and without the pain that I got by merely thinking of something minutely related to Carlisle.

"We'll have to decide on that as a family," spoke Edward.

"Yes, of course, I completely understand," responded Garrett, "I'll step outside then? Give you guys a little privacy?"

"Sure," said Edward.

Garrett left the house for us to decide. We all gathered around the couch once more. It felt like the time we had voted on Bella's mortality. It brought me back to the days of Edward and Bella's blossoming romance, and how Carlisle and I were so happy.

"_What do you think of it, Esme?" Carlisle said._

"_You already know the answer to that! I think it's so wonderful Edward has finally found someone, and that they're so connected. I can feel it, Carlisle, this is meant to be," I responded._

"_You don't worry for the future? About her wish to be immortal?"_

"_I don't have to worry. I know she'll have you to help her along the way, as well as Edward. Your vast knowledge and care and wisdom will assist her in whatever path she chooses."_

"_You know, sometimes I think you're too good for me, Esme. You flatter me too much," he said._

"_Not at all, love. You're perfect to me."_

"Esme?"

"What?"

"What's your take on this?" repeated Jasper.

"Oh," I said lamely, "I think that if Garrett needs help, we should give it to him. He's a friend of ours, and was a friend of – Carlisle's – and we owe it to them both to guide him in whatever way he may need."

They all just stared at me in shock. It was the most they'd ever seen me talk, at least coherently, in the past several months.

"I'm still a little skeptical. It seems so random, in my opinion," said Edward.

"He was very nervous about asking, but there was no indication of an ulterior motive, at least in his mood," said Jasper. "What about in his thoughts?"

"No, nothing," replied Edward.

"Well I don't like him very much," said Rosalie, to nobody's surprise.

"Come on, babe, he's not bad," cooed Emmett. He was trying to soften her up.

"Renesmee, what do you think?" Bella asked. She placed her arm on Bella's and showed her of what I could guess to be Garrett.

Bella looked up and said, "Renesmee votes yes. And so do I."

"That's a yes for me, as well, then," said Edward, "I can't go against my two favorite girls." He smiled that crooked smile that made me laugh and made Bella melt.

"Yes for me," said Emmett, and he looked over at Rosalie.

"Fine," she huffed, and went back to playing with Renesmee.

"Yes," I said, "And you, Jasper?"

"I'd like him to stay here. I understand what he's going through," he said.

"Then it's settled. He stays," I said.

"Come back in, Garrett!" Edward called.

Garrett returned looking worried, yet hopeful at the same time. I could tell this meant a lot to him, and regardless of the painful memories it brought back, I would do everything in my power to help him; I felt this strange pull to do so.

"Garrett, we would be glad to take you in and help you with whatever you need. All of us," I spoke for the group.

"Thank you, Esme. You can't know how much that means to me." His eyes lit up with excitement and gratitude. I could tell he really meant what he said, and it stirred a warmth within me that I hadn't felt in so long. It was strange, unsettling almost. The intensity of it knocked me over and I collapsed on the floor in a dizzy haze.

My family and Garrett rushed over to me to help. Emmett picked me up and settled me back on my feet.

"Are you alright?" Garrett asked.

I looked into his eyes once more and felt the warmth again. Luckily I didn't fall since Emmett was still holding me.

"Yes," I breathed.

"Do you want to go rest or something?" asked Jasper.

"No, no. I'm fine. You guys can go."

The room cleared out until it was just Garrett and me.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," I said, "I'm glad to have you here with us.

"I am eternally in your debt," he said.

I laughed at the truth in his statement, as compared to when humans said it.

"Literally," I chuckled.


End file.
